I hate myself

Why can't I stop binging?

I can't fit into any of my clothes. I've just been wearing pajama pants and sweatpants. No jeans of mine fit me. I hate myself.

One of my managers called and said that one cashier called out sick for tomorrow and asked if I could work. While I would like the money (I'm only working one day this week, Tuesday, and the Tuesday next week, so that's a VERY LIGHT paycheck) but I have two exams next week I need to focus on.

I have enough money to pretty much buy everything on my wishlist below except the last pair of jeans, the dress, and the coat (but then I'd be completely broke) but I can't do that because I refuse to buy clothes at the size I am now. And for the accessories, I just don't deserve nice things.

I am planning on doing a 10 day fast, like I said before. I think it would help immensely. A 2 day fast is what got me started restricting to my low weight of 118-124 pounds (although that fast of copious amounts of caffeinated green tea only was due to me thinking I was pregnant and wanting to cause a miscarriage...no judgement, please! 1 in 10 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage anyways) I just need to focus. I can't focus when I have exams and a trip coming up.

I'm happy it's finally getting colder out (well... the high's are now at least in the 70s, unlike the 90s and 80s the past few months). I've been getting lazy lately with walking to and from school (about 40 minutes each way) because of the heat, begging my boyfriend for rides. Walking more = burning more calories = spending less time able to eat. Except for the day I ate Chik-fil-A walking home... but let's forget that.

My mom called me up today and told me she received a piece of the package that I sent a textbook to an online buyer (via amazon.com) in. So obviously that package got fucked up in the mail system. The buyer had emailed me like two weeks back saying that she hadn't received it yet. I fucking hate the United States Postal Service. I sold another textbook online a couple months back and it got fucked up too, so I lost about $60 on that. When I sold this textbook though I was smart and I got tracking and insurance. I'm so stressed about this anyways. I have to get the ripped package from my parent's house like an hour away (and I don't drive so I have to wait for either her to come up here or my boyfriend to go down there) so I can file a claim. I looked at how to file a claim online and it seems confusing. And I don't trust the USPS to even give me my money back. I will never use USPS again. I think that it's fishy that the two textbooks I sent these past few months went 'missing'. I wrapped those motherfuckers up pretty good. Lots of tape. I bet some workers are stealing textbooks. So I'm stressed about having to get all this straightened out and having to refund this lady. That's $75 I won't have in my checking account for a while. And when I said above that I had enough money to buy those things on my wishlist, that is accounting for the $400 my boyfriend owes me, and now the $75 that the USPS owes me. My boyfriend just got a job as a waiter at some restaurant after like a month unemployed living in my city. So far he's worked 2 lunch shifts, and made shit money like $50 all total. But he didn't give me any of that. He's about to owe me and my roommate $140 each to pay for his share of October's rent. So now he'll owe me about $540. HE NEEDS TO GET ON HIS SHIT. I have so much anxiety about this. That is a lot of money. All he is spending the money he gets on is alcohol and weed. This stress is too much. So much of my money isn't in my possession, it's just owed. All I want to do is binge even more so bad. Fuck fuck fuck.


Parents: will be giving me $600 for the month of October, plus $100 that I let them borrow from what Sam had paid back

Sam: $540

USPS: $75

Zappos return: $227

Shopbop return: $297

Grand total.... $1839

Completely more than in my bank account. Fuck my life.